I'm a Fuckin' Artist!

The greatest thing, undoubtedly, about facebook's graffiti wall feature is getting to feel like a bona fide artist. I discovered this when I viewed a recent collection of my graffitis sent to various friends and family. What I discovered shocked me to my core... I am a fucking artistic and creative genius. Oh, and keep in mind, dear readers, that I drew each of these without the cheater's benefit of a mouse. Yeah, I thought so.


This one is among my earliest works, and was given to a dear friend and roommate of mine, Mr. David DuBois. I drew my inspiration from a Lite-Brite set I never owned as a child, but saw many commercials for. I longed for that Lite-Brite, and I never got one. I cried myself to sleep every night. My juvenile angst was brought out in this dramatic work I gifted to David. If you stare at it long enough, you'll hear the angels weep for my lost childhood.



This is another early piece. It is my successful attempt at minimalist man-love. It is in response to a graffiti that was left for me by my dear friend Kevin. You can see that I have literally "bent him over the table" and am giving it to him with my phallus, which I represented slightly smaller than scale for fear of appearing cocky. This is a jubilant piece, and was recently appraised for auction at $27,000, though after my death the value will likely skyrocket into the six and seven figure range.



My earliest masterpiece. I call it "Snowy Night." This was an early gift to my younger brother, Jake. It blessed his wall shortly after the graffiti application came to my attention, and is widely considered one of the most influential pieces in the history of the Facebook graffiti application.



This I call "Dawkins v. God," and it is my latest breakthrough in the world of art. This piece is iconic not just because it foretells the death of God in the world consciousness, which is coming in the next few generations (chalk that Nostradamus-like prediction up to me, as well), but also because it serves as a brilliant retelling of Richard Dawkins's book The God Delusion, which I wholeheartedly recommend to anyone. It is currently located on Mr. DuBois's graffiti wall. He is, to date, the largest collector of my works.



Finally, my most controversial work. It has come under great scrutiny, despite its very obvious genius, because of the homosexual overtones. From my middle period, or as it is collectively known to Jeff Neuman scholars, the Rainbow Period (2007), this piece is in fact not homosexual in nature, but rather is a triumphant defense of man-to-man love in the strictest heterosexual sense. It is also owned by Mr. DuBois, and is considered by most art historians to be a piece of exceptional importance.



As an example of the slop that passes as "art" on graffiti, I have posted this original by Ben Catterall. This travesty is both short-sighted in its scope, and poorly executed to boot. Beware, gentle readers, that when you go searching for the brilliance of my work, you may come across things such as this, which are eyesores among eyesores. Unfortunately, not everyone can be a fuckin' artistic genius like me.