Have you ever heard the saying, "Well, sleep on it and let me know." Silly question, of course you have. Now, raise your hand if you've ever heard somebody tell a guy, "Alright then, just beat off on it and let me know in 5." I'm assuming, for multiple reasons, that there are no raised hands.
The reason for this is simple. Anyone who has ever asked you to sleep on a big decision has probably been trying to fuck you (figuratively, of course). When a salesman tells you to sleep on a decision, what he is saying is "I want you to think I care about what's best for you, and I think that by playing you I will eventually get the sale." How do I know that? Well, beside it coming across as painfully obvious most of the time, I have done it to people. A lot of people. It's surprising how well it can work on the right customer.
If it were socially acceptable (and I'm pissed that it's not) to tell a guy to frost the pastries, and let you know his decision, most people wouldn't employ that strategy anyway. Unless you are absolutely sure that you can catch him in the short-but-euphoric high immediately post-orgasm, you are probably not going to get the sale. This is, of course, because of the exceptionally clear thinking a man experiences between 5 and 20 minutes after blowing his load. All men know what I am talking about.
The question I have, then, is why more men don't employ the technique. Abusing the wicked-stick at the right times could save a lot of men a ton of hassle. Sexual examples, obviously, are the most prudent. 95% of cheating could be effectively ended if men were more intelligent about bludgeoning the beefsteak. Every time you think about another woman, just crank the love pump and catalog how bad you would have felt if you'd have just boned some skank. Seriously, CATALOG THE THOUGHT. This is key... write it down somewhere. This is because in the next couple hours you WILL forget how bad you felt. WRITE IT DOWN.
Making the bald man puke isn't just an effective means of avoiding cheating, though, the single man can employ it too. If alcohol makes women look good, being horny and drinking makes them look great. If you are going to hook up with a girl, it is best to have seen her at least once while sober, but this can't always be the case. If, however, you are going to DATE a girl, you must have seen her at least once immediately following a game of tag with the pink torpedo. If you can't sneak off into a room to rope your pope and come back to look at her, the very least you can do is spank the frank and then look at a picture of her. This will tell you whether she is definitively as attractive as you think, and will give you an idea of how your friends are seeing her.
There are many more times that it can be beneficial to unleash your alabaster yak. I, in my compulsive gambling days, would sometimes start a long poker session by slamming the ham. Occasionally, when I got on a cold streak and I was starting to go on tilt, I'd click "away from table" and punch the munchkin. I don't have any definitive stats, but I honestly think it helped.
I once got stuck on a particularly tough level in Trauma Center: Second Opinion for Wii. I left the room for a bit, plunked my twanger, and came back. BAM! First try. I was operating like Dr. Benton in the old-school ER. I honestly hope that, if I ever need surgery, the entire surgical staff has taken a moment to nerk their throbbers.
So there you have it. Masturbation saves again. If you think that you might benefit from a little genital stimulation via phallangelic motion, give it a shot. Big test? Love the muppet . Big game? Flog the bishop. Can't Sleep? Shake the snake. You might find it helps immensely and becomes a part of your routine. Hey, it can never hurt, and at least you'll have gotten to liquidate your inventory.
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