What Kind of Porn do You Like?

Depending on who you are, your reaction to this question may range from casual amusement to genuine discomfort. Whichever side you are on, or wherever you are in between, however, this remains a truly important question in learning more about others, as well as yourself.

I was flipping through some movie channels I am about to lose once my roommates and I cannot afford them anymore, and a particular title caught my eye. "Bare Naked Desires." I was alone in my living room, bored, so I turned it on. It was about half-way through, and the first scene of interest was just beginning. Two relatively hot (by porn standards) women, complete with large, fake breasts, began massaging each other seductively when a typical higher-budget, softcore male porn actor caught them in the act. Naturally, he joined in and the fun (sort of) ensued.

Now, at 22 years of age, I have seen my fair share of porn. Beginning by sneaking glimpses of my dad's not-so-deftly hidden Penthouses, and graduating by 12 to dial-up downloads of single explicit photographs, I have a long history with what my grandma would call "the pornography." As I grew older, naturally, my tastes expanded, and with the evolution of high speed internet I was free to peruse as I saw fit. Anyway, with a broad background and knowledge of my own tastes in adult erotic material, I quickly decided "Bare Naked Desires" was not going to (and probably couldn't even in a pinch) do it for me. So I got to thinking, what does the kind of porn a man "uses" say about who they really are? After a significant amount of time and effort, I was able to glean some rather insightful inferences. Here are the results.

Softcore Magazine Porn: You are under the age of 15, that much is certain. You found this in your (slightly) older brother's room and he got it from a friend. You are having many good times looking at the same women, and may be developing unusual attractions to some of them. Your parents check up on your internet use and get really suspicious when the history is cleared.

Hardcore Magazine Porn: You probably found this in your father's drawer, and he only has it because A) your mom is not hot, B) your mom does not put out, C) your mom checks up on your dad's internet use and gets really suspicious when the history is cleared, or D) all of the above. If you are a married man, your wife fits the above conditions. Otherwise, you do not have a TV, DVD player, or the internet.

Televised Softcore Porn: You probably don't have the internet, or if you do you are too lazy to get to a computer before you decide to whack it.

Rented Softcore Porn: You also probably do not have the internet. If you do, you are likely out with buddies and or a mixed-gender crowd and are afraid that people will know you actually want to see some dick with your beaver.

Rented Hardcore Porn: Again, no internet, or maybe you have dial-up for some unexplained reason. In any case, you are pretty sleazy for going out in public and going into the "back room." Everyone knows why you are in there, but you wear clothes that you wouldn't normally, a cap, and sunglasses to shield your eyes. This only makes you creepier.

Televised Hardcore Porn: You like the good stuff, and you don't want anyone else, even the cashiers at porno shops, to know that. You are paying $10 to watch something once (because you can only get hardcore via pay-per-view), rather than dropping $30 on your own DVD. That's cool, you like variety. But hey man, $10 can get you so much more on the internet, and if you save up... the porn-world is your oyster out there. I don't know you.

Payed-for Internet Porn: You're a step above the last guy. You know that TV is not the way to access your porn. If you need it on the big screen, you bought a cable to connect your PC to your LCD TV. You have money, at least more than me, or else you can only get what you "really like" if you buy it from a German website, in which case I hope I don't know you.

Free Internet Porn: You are like 80% of males age 15-30, and maybe older. If you are older than that, you are probably just cheap. If you aren't cheap, you have a wife that doesn't use the computer, but gets the credit card bills. You are my friend, my classmate, someone like them, or me.

For any further disambiguation among those of us that use almost exclusively free, internet based porn, an entirely new and deeper discussion will have to be had. Those Q & A sessions can be a little more uncomfortable in the wrong crowd, so remember, never use the words "cumswap," "creampie," "ass-to-mouth," "bukkake," or any other porno phrases unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure that you know the person you are speaking with and you have a strong suspicion they will know what you mean.