The "Cat Lady." Has ever a concept been so simultaneously intriguing, sad, and hilarious? The Cat Lady truly is the comedic Holy Trinity in this regard. In our attempt to understand this natural wonder, we will begin by examining the brief history of the Cat Lady.
The history of the Cat Lady dates back, fittingly, to ancient Egypt. In a society obsessed with felines, Nebit Nafrit, whose name translates ironically to "Leopard Virgin," took kitty worship a little too far. The mentally ill sister of the pharaoh, she lived a reclusive life of luxury in a palace built for her and her future husband, once they should meet, and their many children. Pathetically inept socially, by the age of 11 she'd given up on men, finding them to be "dirty, selfish beings not worthy of my love." She preferred instead the company of her cat Emu. Deciding Emu must not, as she has, live a life of seclusion, she adopted a stray named Mie. In the years to come, her cat hoard grew as exponentially as her feminine instability. By her final years, it is estimated that her palace contained as many as 2500 living cats, many severely mutated due to significant inbreeding. Though her presence was tolerated for many years, in large part due to her royal relations, the discovery of these freakish, abused quasi-animals led to significant public outcry. She was tried for neglecting her many divine charges, and was sentenced to death at age 28.
While it is widely believed Nebit was the first official Crazy Cat Lady, her legacy has played out through every human generation since. In the many centuries since her death, her feline follies have been repeated innumerable times. Countless unsightly, insecure women, more often than not scorned by at least one "true love," have taken to the comforts of a beloved kitty. But how does this innocuous comfort transform into the psychotic, lovable antics of a Crazy Cat Lady?
For this transformation to take place, several key elements must be in place. First, a Crazy Cat Lady-to-be must have no strong support network in place. True friends will help a jilted woman through her hard times by feeding her liquor, getting her comfort foods, and facilitating all-out man-hating bitch sessions. They will not let her sit at home with Mr. Fuzzykins, or let her say anything like, "He is the only man I will ever need." Hence, a future Cat Lady will have few or no good friends. Now, that alone will not turn your average woman into the subject of our little discussion. A second key condition is, obviously, mental illness. In most instances it will have been residing within the woman her whole life, and will be unleashed through a series of unsuccessful encounters with men and/or people in general.
In a study published in the June 1996 edition of American Psychologist, the incidence of mental illness in single women age 35-87 grows exponentially for each cat owned over 5. According to the study, the likelihood of mental illness (which range from mild depression to severe psychosis) for a woman with 7 or more cats is approximately 76%. Beyond 10 cats, the likelihood of mental illness ranges well above 90%.
The woman you see here has literally dozens of cats and suffers from a particularly rare and debilitating form of schizophrenia. While it may appear sad at first, it is important to keep in mind the value any Crazy Cat Lady holds in society. Without her, we'd have one less witty thing to say about that fat, shy girl alone at the end of the bar. How could we threaten our girlfriends/exes when they say something like "I wish you were as sweet as (insert fluffy cat name here)" and look at you accusingly? Answer- we simply could not.
So, Cat Ladies, you may be twisted, mentally ill women who've given up on human interaction. But I say, "Go for it!" Do what you have to do. Men really ARE scum, and nobody will ever be your friend like your cat Skittles, if you can even remember which one he is. Keep up the good work.
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