Timeline of a Drunkass

My mom was going through photos of me on Facebook recently and asked me a very simple question which sparked some thought.

"Are you drunk or drinking in every one of these?"

I pondered an instant and replied, "Um, yeah, probably. I might be high in a few."

She failed to see the humor in this and rolled her eyes, but said nothing and went on chain-smoking and playing around on Facebook.

I didn't give it much thought at the time, but I had before and I have since. I looked through the photos of myself several times and, indeed, she was correct in detecting a high percentage of alcohol-related shots, which was not shocking. Indeed the majority of moments over the last several years I'd deem photo-worthy have revolved around sporting events, birthdays, parties, and other pro-drinking occasions.

Anyone glancing through would likely assume I spend the vast majority of my time under the influence. Now, this certainly isn't entirely true, but I'm not going to sit here and categorically deny it either. In any case, rather than shy away from the fact or accept being saddled with any negative connotations, I've decided to put together a little timeline of some of my greatest/drunkest photos from throughout the years.

2004

Event: General tomfoolery

Drink of choice: Jim Beam

Summary: In an act of youthful, drunken, carefree petty crime, James, Nate, Amanda, and I attempted to get this microwave to hang in the U of M's "shoe tree," where students and alumni for years have thrown their shoes in homage to the University and their time spent there. Not content to settle for the norm, we took this broken microwave and heaved it into the tree. It took multiple attempts--I had to hike down a bigass hill and retrieve that wretched appliance twice--but we finally got it in there and it hung for some time before it fell or was cut down. Ah, to be a freshman.

2005

Event: Night of the week in the dorms.

Drink of choice: 151 and Sprite.

Summary: Not sure what all there is to say about this one. It was first semester, sophomore year at the University of Minnesota, and in those days it seems we all drank all the time. This photo was taken just around the time I was blacking out, and the next morning I woke up fully clothed with a bar of soap in my pocket.

2006

Event: Brandon's birthday weekend.

Drinks of choice: Grain Belt Premium. More shots than could possibly have been necessary.

Summary: It was a hot night in July, but for whatever reason David and I felt the need to be stylin' in our badass track jackets. I can't remember what we were laughing at, but I have a feeling it must have been damn funny.

2007

Event: Case Race

Drink of choice: 20 Michelob Golden Lights

Summary: It was Easter weekend, and with nobody around in our apartment complex but the four of us guys, Tyler, Pete, Jeremy, and I decided to attempt the Case Race, with hilarious and disastrous results. Tyler ended up with puke on his back. Jeremy and Pete, I heard, broke down and sobbed drunkenly over something. And, thanks to an anonymous 5th party with a cruel sense of humor and unabated access to my cell phone, there may still be people I don't talk to very often who think I came out of the closet that night. (Asshole)

Final Score: Tyler 24. Jeff 20. Pete 19. Jeremy 16.

2008

Event: Phil's wedding.

Drink of choice: Obviously, Captain Morgan.

Summary: Out of necessity, and a sense of hilariousness, Tyson and I used the coffee pot in our hotel room to mix one helluva rum and coke. An unusual conveyance, perhaps, but nonetheless effective.

2009

Event: Random night at the bars.

Drinks of choice: Long Islands, Whiskey Sours, Whiskey Cokes, cheap beer.

Summary: In possibly the greatest photo ever, I show my undying affection for Rizzle as Meg looks on in astonishment.

2010

Event: New Year's 2010

Drinks of choice: Keg beer, champagne, fruity/delicious/lethal wop, Jello shots

Summary: In my very first drunk-pic of 2010, Hoberg and I are apparently looking to throw down in brohood fisticuffs, possibly over a beer pong dispute. I have absolutely no recollection of this photograph having been taken, so your guess as to the truth behind it is as good as mine.

Well, there you have it. Seven years, seven photos, and seven stories of youthful exuberance and quasi-alcoholism. I don't know about you, but a trip like this down memory lane sure does warm my heart. If you've learned nothing else, hear this: Alcohol is an important vehicle through which we celebrate our triumphs, drown our failures, and generally amplify the enjoyment of our lives. And now, thanks to Facebook, we get to share that with everyone. If I'm lucky, someday my grandchildren will ask, "Grandpa, were you and your friends drunk in all those pictures?" And I can answer, "Um, well, we may have been high in some of them."


Jeff N.