Timeline of a Drunkass

My mom was going through photos of me on Facebook recently and asked me a very simple question which sparked some thought.

"Are you drunk or drinking in every one of these?"

I pondered an instant and replied, "Um, yeah, probably. I might be high in a few."

She failed to see the humor in this and rolled her eyes, but said nothing and went on chain-smoking and playing around on Facebook.

I didn't give it much thought at the time, but I had before and I have since. I looked through the photos of myself several times and, indeed, she was correct in detecting a high percentage of alcohol-related shots, which was not shocking. Indeed the majority of moments over the last several years I'd deem photo-worthy have revolved around sporting events, birthdays, parties, and other pro-drinking occasions.

Anyone glancing through would likely assume I spend the vast majority of my time under the influence. Now, this certainly isn't entirely true, but I'm not going to sit here and categorically deny it either. In any case, rather than shy away from the fact or accept being saddled with any negative connotations, I've decided to put together a little timeline of some of my greatest/drunkest photos from throughout the years.

2004

Event: General tomfoolery

Drink of choice: Jim Beam

Summary: In an act of youthful, drunken, carefree petty crime, James, Nate, Amanda, and I attempted to get this microwave to hang in the U of M's "shoe tree," where students and alumni for years have thrown their shoes in homage to the University and their time spent there. Not content to settle for the norm, we took this broken microwave and heaved it into the tree. It took multiple attempts--I had to hike down a bigass hill and retrieve that wretched appliance twice--but we finally got it in there and it hung for some time before it fell or was cut down. Ah, to be a freshman.

2005

Event: Night of the week in the dorms.

Drink of choice: 151 and Sprite.

Summary: Not sure what all there is to say about this one. It was first semester, sophomore year at the University of Minnesota, and in those days it seems we all drank all the time. This photo was taken just around the time I was blacking out, and the next morning I woke up fully clothed with a bar of soap in my pocket.

2006

Event: Brandon's birthday weekend.

Drinks of choice: Grain Belt Premium. More shots than could possibly have been necessary.

Summary: It was a hot night in July, but for whatever reason David and I felt the need to be stylin' in our badass track jackets. I can't remember what we were laughing at, but I have a feeling it must have been damn funny.

2007

Event: Case Race

Drink of choice: 20 Michelob Golden Lights

Summary: It was Easter weekend, and with nobody around in our apartment complex but the four of us guys, Tyler, Pete, Jeremy, and I decided to attempt the Case Race, with hilarious and disastrous results. Tyler ended up with puke on his back. Jeremy and Pete, I heard, broke down and sobbed drunkenly over something. And, thanks to an anonymous 5th party with a cruel sense of humor and unabated access to my cell phone, there may still be people I don't talk to very often who think I came out of the closet that night. (Asshole)

Final Score: Tyler 24. Jeff 20. Pete 19. Jeremy 16.

2008

Event: Phil's wedding.

Drink of choice: Obviously, Captain Morgan.

Summary: Out of necessity, and a sense of hilariousness, Tyson and I used the coffee pot in our hotel room to mix one helluva rum and coke. An unusual conveyance, perhaps, but nonetheless effective.

2009

Event: Random night at the bars.

Drinks of choice: Long Islands, Whiskey Sours, Whiskey Cokes, cheap beer.

Summary: In possibly the greatest photo ever, I show my undying affection for Rizzle as Meg looks on in astonishment.

2010

Event: New Year's 2010

Drinks of choice: Keg beer, champagne, fruity/delicious/lethal wop, Jello shots

Summary: In my very first drunk-pic of 2010, Hoberg and I are apparently looking to throw down in brohood fisticuffs, possibly over a beer pong dispute. I have absolutely no recollection of this photograph having been taken, so your guess as to the truth behind it is as good as mine.

Well, there you have it. Seven years, seven photos, and seven stories of youthful exuberance and quasi-alcoholism. I don't know about you, but a trip like this down memory lane sure does warm my heart. If you've learned nothing else, hear this: Alcohol is an important vehicle through which we celebrate our triumphs, drown our failures, and generally amplify the enjoyment of our lives. And now, thanks to Facebook, we get to share that with everyone. If I'm lucky, someday my grandchildren will ask, "Grandpa, were you and your friends drunk in all those pictures?" And I can answer, "Um, well, we may have been high in some of them."


Jeff N.

Tranny Porn

Many times, when guys are discussing porn, the subject of tranny porn is breached. Now, most people are uncomfortable discussing their views on transsexual porn, and because of this, the most common response to the subject is absolute disgust. At least on the surface.

Most heterosexual guys are closely guarded when it comes to the fact that everyone, on some level, is at least a little, tiny bit gay. In the wake of this, transsexual porn is quickly derided, likely even by the men that watch it, as "something for faggots." Now, as Dan Savage, and research, would tell us, the majority of viewers of tranny porn are straight males. Gay men, generally, do NOT find it appealing as masturbatory material.

So, I wonder, what is with the stigma attached to this type of porn? I can see that some people may find it unnatural, and I completely understand if this is their reason for not watching. I am not here today to advocate the mass-viewing of tranny porn (nor am I decrying it). What I am here to do is to prove that it does not have to be considered gay.

Consider the following, if you will: The "gayness" of a porn is directly related to the ratio of dicks to tits.

This means that any porn containing only men has an infinite ratio of dicks-to-tits, and therefore, is absolutely gay. The addition of extra men only serves to amplify an already infinite ratio of dicks-to-tits (any number X : zero), and therefore absolute gayness.

Presumably, the majority of porn watched worldwide involves one man fucking one woman. The dick-to-tits ratio in this standard porn convention is 1:2. A video of one man fucking two women has a 1:4 ratio of dick-to-tits. In the reverse threesome scenario, guy-guy-girl, the ratio is an even 1:1--two dicks vs. two tits.

By this rationale, we can up the number of dicks in our porn (to increase the percentage of holes penetrated) without throwing off the balance of dicks-to-tits by adding shemales to the mix. A porn with one tranny and one female results in a 1:4 dick-to-tits ratio. Two trannies and a female: 2:6 or 1:3. You can play around with the hundreds/thousands of additional combinations of men, women, and trannies.

My contention, to state it clearly now in light of the dick-to-tits-ratio evidence, is that most combinations of pornstars in which men are replaced by transsexuals result in a decrease in gayness, without sacrificing penetration, and not vice-versa.

SPOOGEFIST!!

In a recent bout with boredom, which I was losing, I googled the word "spoogefist." I was shocked and disgusted that not a single page in GOOGLE's search engine contained the word spoogefist, and I decided to make a page that would, for once, give the hilarious act of spoogefisting a full introduction.

(GO ahead, google it now, it's finally there.)

Spoogefisting is a term I coined many years ago while I was in high school. It is a hilarious prank in which you, in short, blow a load into your buddy's cupped hand while he is sleeping/passed out, then take a feather and tickle his nose with it until he scratches the itch with his fistful of cum.

BAM--SPOOGEFISTED!