Hey Vikings, fuck you!

In what has already been a stellar week for Packers fans everywhere, the Minnesota Vikings announced yesterday that they have fired Brad Childress. The firing comes after a humiliating home defeat by our beloved Green Bay Packers in which the hapless Vikings barely showed up. Even before this week--when the wheels officially came off for Minnesota--I knew this team was doomed. I could not help screaming at the television any and every time someone referred to this year's Vikings team as a serious Super Bowl contender. Seriously, this team was going nowhere from the start.

Favre is an ass-clown off the field and a liability on it. Even if he could replicate last year, he couldn't get them over the hump then and he wouldn't have been able to now. I could only laugh at the Vikings unconcealed desperation in their pathetic gestures to woo the old man back to the field. If I was a Minnesota fan, I would have been IRATE. I'm so glad my organization has its shit together.

This game, as we all know, concludes the season sweep of Minnesota by Green Bay and, as such, ensures that 2010 will go down as a successful season. I could not be happier that Favre decided to return to the game so that I could see the beaten look in his eyes and hear the defeated tone in his voice after we returned the favor for last year's fluke-of-a-sweep by the Vikings. The piece-of-shit traitor deserves everything he's gotten this season. It's like a karmic repayment for holding teams and fans hostage with his annual retirement flip-flops.

The Vikings, like Favre, deserve what they've gotten this year. By letting Favre keep them in waiting like his bitch, Childress and the organization set themselves back years. No coach, no long-term solutions at QB, too few wins, and no stadium deal have this team in a world of hurt. Personally, I love it.


Jeff N.

Judge Judy is a bitch

In the hustling-and-bustling that exemplifies my days off from my current gas-station job, I channel-surfed by Judge Judy for the first time in years. Among limited options, I unfortunately stopped to watch what I was sure was going to be some kind of circus.

Judy did not disappoint. She took no time at all to cut down her hapless defendant before turning a cruel eye on her slack-jawed plaintiff.

I did not feel sorry for them. In a dispute too stupid for me to remember, these folks opted to have their case aired out on national television in front of a camera-mugging she-dragon. That was their mistake.

What struck me most was Judy's hypocritical actions, shouting at dullards to respect her while showing them no respect whatsoever. These people, already so trodden-over by life that they would willingly choose to have their 6 minutes of fame spent cowering from a hideous, fire-spewing demon-bitch, are sad enough without Judy's heckling.

I asked my mom, "Why do you watch this shit?" Her response did not surprise me. "I like Judge Judy," she said, referring to the woman rather than the show, "because she puts people in their place and calls them on their shit."

I like to think my mom is indicative of far-too-great a percentage of Americans. These people are seeking vicarious justice. They want to see things "told like they are." In reality, the farce they are watching is nothing more than the ravings of a verbally-sadistic, power-mongering old woman. TV sucks, Americans are stupid, and Judge Judy is a bitch.


Jeff N.

Good Sans God

*This article cross-posted from Positivelyharmful.com*

In an editorial published recently at boston.com, columnist Jeff Jacoby shares his philosophy that God is a necessary component of human goodness. He cites historical examples to push his point that human beings cannot, without the word of God, know what is truly right or wrong. His editorial is a response to announcements that atheist groups in America are spending money to promote their non-belief around the holidays. In 2008, the message was "Why believe in a god? Just be good for goodness' sake." This year, after expanding to TV and other media, the ads are going further, depicting the long-existing links between religion and violence.

Jacoby's stance, though ignorant, represents a pretty typical Christian-American viewpoint. These weak-minded people remove themselves from the responsibility of formulating their ownmoral identity. Jacoby writes:

For in a world without God, there is no obvious difference between good and evil. There is no way to prove that murder is wrong if there is no Creator who decrees “Thou shalt not murder.’’ It certainly cannot be proved wrong by reason alone. One might reason instead — as Lenin and Stalin and Mao reasoned — that there is nothing wrong with murdering human beings by the millions if doing so advances the Marxist cause. Or one might reason from observing nature that the way of the world is for the strong to devour the weak — or that natural selection favors the survival of the fittest by any means necessary, including the killing of the less fit.

I take grave offense to this statement as well as to the viewpoint it represents. Rather than rebut Mr. Jacoby myself, I'll let you read what Christopher Hitchens has to say on the subject.

I think our knowledge of right and wrong is innate in us. Religion gets its morality from humans. We know that we can't get along if we permit perjury, theft, murder, rape, all societies at all times, well before the advent of monarchies and certainly, have forbidden it...Socrates called his daemon, it was an inner voice that stopped him when he was trying to take advantage of someone... Why don't we just assume that we do have some internal compass?

Hitchens, of course, is a leading authority and spokesperson on the subject of atheism. Along withThe God Delusion author Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens is one of the most recognizable and outspoken anti-theists. He speaks worldwide and is known for having a standing offer to debate any religious authority who would care to challenge him of the subject of religion. Needless to say, he is smarter than Jeff Jacoby.

The reason I take such particular offense to this form of human subjugation to the idea of god is simple: I resent the notion that we could possibly need the "word of God" to make moral decisions. First, this idea robs humans of a precious distinction within the animal kingdom. It takes away one of our primary attributes, moral consideration. Second, this kind of thinking is patently and decidedly incorrect. Because human beings themselves invented the notion of God, a god, or many gods (depending on the time and place), they themselves are the originators and propagators of all morality, even the supposedly "divine." Third, by allowing ourselves to defer these decisions and considerations to invented deities, we dangerously transfer the responsibility and accountability of our actions to a fictitious source.

Not every human, be they atheist, Catholic, Muslim, agnostic, or of any other belief, is "good," and there may be no universal standard for what that very ubiquitous-but-vague term means. The most important thing to keep in mind though is that we MUST take responsibility for our individual senses of right and wrong. We all do this in different ways, and this is just fine--so long as it comes from inside yourself rather than the inapt, dusty pages of antiquity.

One of Yours!

Positively Harmful is extremely pleased to introduce our first serial column, “One of Yours!,” in which we’ll highlight a different religious person—and their absurd or disturbing behavior—each week. Our purpose, as always, will be the shedding of light upon ludicrous, supposedly “pious” persons and practices with keen wit and unyielding mockery. Our basis for selection is simple: we’re stoked that, as atheists, we have absolutely no association with these people, be they standard quacks, truly evil hatemongers, or simply religious assholes.

What better way to kick things off, then, than by spotlighting the man who may very well represent the highest embodiment of quack, hatemonger, AND asshole. I’m speaking of no other than Westboro Baptist Church founder and noted anti-gay protester Fred Phelps. Phelps has seen his share of notoriety regarding his extreme views and the inflammatory nature of his protests and, as such, I’m sure many of you are familiar, at least vaguely, with this first-rate cunt.

The images of men, women, and children holding signs bearing “God Hates Fags,” “God Hates Fag Enablers,” “God Hates America,” and “God Hates Your Tears,” the last of which referring to tears shed by mourners at funerals of fallen U.S. servicemen*, provide more than ample support for our inclusion of Phelps.

But that’s not all, folks! The WBC’s primary website, godhatesfags.com (which I would refrain from visiting as not to generate additional hits for Phelps’ site), contains a rolling count of the number of human beings god has “cast into hell” since you loaded the page (approximately 2 per second). In more fun with numbers, godhatesfags.com also provides the enlightening statistics that god has killed 5780 American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan, poured some 220 million gallons of oil in the Gulf, and, my personal favorite, killed 16,000,000,000 people in the “Flood.” No, I’m not drunk, I meant to type nine zeros. That’s because, according to this scholarly source, sixteen billion people were killed in god’s great flood (contrasted with eight survivors, a number the site also wants us to keep in mind). Fuck sake! I didn’t even think we had that many people now. Shows what I know I guess.

Lest you think Phelps only hates the GLBTA crowd, try this quote on for size.

Whatever righteous cause the Jewish victims of the 1930s–40s Nazi Holocaust had, (probably minuscule, compared to the Jewish Holocausts against Middle Passage Blacks, African Americans and Christians—including the bloody persecution of Westboro Baptist Church by Topeka Jews in the 1990s), has been drowned in sodomite semen. American taxpayers are financing this unholy monument to Jewish mendacity and greed and to filthy fag lust. Homosexuals and Jews dominated Nazi Germany ... The Jews now wander the earth despised, smitten with moral and spiritual blindness by a divine judicial stroke ... And God has smitten Jews with a certain unique madness ... Jews, thus perverted, out of all proportion to their numbers energize the militant sodomite agenda... Jews are the real Nazis.

Fuck you very much, Mr. Phelps. I’m quite sure whatever “bloody persecution,” to say nothing of its probably being quite justified, the WBC endured at the hands of Topeka Jews, does not register in the cosmic justice balancing equation against the FUCKING HOLOCAUST, you giant douche!

Even in defending himself, Phelps is an asshole.

We don't believe in physical violence of any kind, and the Scripture doesn't support racism. ... The only true Nazis in this world are fags.

But wait just a second there, Fred. You ended that other ignorant, hateful comment with “Jews are the real Nazis,” but you close this one by saying “The only true Nazis in this world are fags.” Well, which is it? Who ARE the Nazis? Jews or fags, Jews or fags… The world is dying to know!

It doesn’t really matter, of course, because to Phelps and his brainwashed band of ill-bred followers, we’re ALL fags, we’re ALL Nazis, and we’re ALL fucked. Now, it may seem easy enough to dismiss this man, his cohorts, and their relentless picketing as harmless spectacle. After all, the counter-protests they attract are generally larger, often by several times, than their own efforts. As I see it, there are two key reasons we, as rational men and women, cannot allow ourselves the luxury of dismissing the WBC.

First, though the adult followers of Phelps (a large portion of whom are in some way related to Phelps himself, go figure) may be lost causes, the many children dragged to these events and instructed to bear signs, the implications of which they assuredly do not fully comprehend, do not have to be. This type of mental abuse, of conditioning and brainwashing, though used in some fashion by most if not all major religions, is particularly insidious in the case of the God Hates Fags agenda. Without consequences for Phelps, and the WBC as a whole, these innocents will again and again be subjected to the unbridled fusion of hatred and idiocy. Every malleable mind lost to this kind of scum is a loss for humanity.

The second key rationale for taking Phelps seriously is this: Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church’s travel budget for picketing alone is estimated near $250,000 yearly. That’s one-quarter of a million dollars each year spent to ensure that wherever something too faggy is going on, these assholes can be there to fuck with people. The point I’m trying to make is that these are not homeless men shouting Biblical verses at the top of their lungs on a street corner. They have money, they have resources, and, as such, they are a legitimate threat to common sense and decency worldwide.

Yes, Fred Phelps truly is a shithead. In fact, despite the name “Westboro Baptist Church,” they are not actually connected to any Baptist associations. Phelps claims to adhere to Primitive Baptist and Calvinist ideals, but mainstream Primitive Baptists (as though there were such a thing) have rejected the WBC whole-heartedly. Not even PRIMITIVE BAPTISTS will claim Phelps. Well, that’s too bad really, because the Primitive Baptists, Calvanists, and the rest of you religious folks out there can have the sonofabitch. We don’t want him. We’re glad he’s One of Yours!

J. Scott Neums

*This is not because the soldiers themselves were gay, at least openly, but rather because they fought and died for a country in which homosexuality is merely tolerated.